Phew.
LOooong weekend. Crazy long weekend. So, probably, a very long post.
Ran invited me to run with the wolves (good god, that sounds a lot like that terrible movie – which, admittedly, I’ve never watched) this weekend.
Initially I thought he just meant Friday night, BUT this weekend was a full moon weekend, and apparently whenever that happens they all take the weekend off, and run together as a wolf Pack in the woods for however many days they can.
Anyway, I rocked up on Friday after work to the hotel. Tiny grabbed me, and pulled me aside to the bar, where Ran was chilling with the bartender, and watching us with great interest. She said that she’d just realized I hadn’t ever really played with any of the others in wolf form, and she wanted to give me a few tips, just so that there were no misunderstandings.
She said it just like that ‘misunderstandings’.
Then she went on to tell me about how in wolf form, the majority of the pack acts and thinks wolf. So they eat meat that they’ve killed, and sleep together in big puppy piles, and don’t really worry too much about social rules. Like sex in front of each other… and toilet stuff…
Generally speaking, what she was saying was a bit scary.
When I change I’m not wolfy. I’m just me. Wolfy body but human thought patterns. Mostly. I’ll admit I play a bit more, and am more interested in things that move, and I’ll eat some more questionable things (three day old spag bol – too old? Human= Yes, Wolf=NO I shall eat it, nom) but that’s about it.
I was beginning to get a bit worried. I didn’t want some guy climbing on me and raping me out in the open, or having to poop in front of wolves, or eat a bunny rabbit.
The temptation was to just shut up and nod, and not look like a dorky scaredy cat in front of Tiny and Ran (who had come to sit beside us right about the time I had started to frown and wonder what the fuck I thought I was doing.)
I decided to just be straight with her though, because, part two of the nod and smile plan was sneak out the window when no one was watching, then lock myself in the apartment for three days. That would have made me look a lot like a scaredy cat.
“Listen Tiny, I’m not really into this. Some of the stuff you’re talking about here makes me really uncomfortable.” I said, shifting a bit in my seat.
“I know, but the point wasn’t to scare you. Most wolves know how to make their wishes known, but it kinda didn’t really occur to me that you might not know the right body language. Especially since… Well I figured some of the stuff might be a bit… Triggering maybe… I know you didn’t have the easiest time of being turned.” Tiny said, looking at my scared up shoulder.
I went all stiff and felt the small hairs on the back of my neck rise up (along with a bit of temper, which I controlled in the hopes of having an adult, and informative conversation.) I’ve made it more than clear that that’s the one thing I will not under any circumstances talk about.
“Listen, Ayla, the thing is we’re going to be dealing with wolves out there. Not so much people. If you want privacy you need to let them know the way a wolf would. Ears back, and be a little threatening. If you come off as too aggressive though, some might take it as an attack. The key is to keep a close eye on the other wolves, and stay close to me and Ran.” Tiny said, obviously trying not to bomb me with too much information.
Ran moved forward in his seat. “If anyone – any of the guys – make you uncomfortable, try to herd you away from the pack, or get too close, tuck your tail down, and get as aggressive as you want though. If at any point you’re feeling unsafe then either come straight to me – not Tiny – or shift back to your other form.”
“Why you, and not Tiny?” I asked – honestly my new plan was beginning to look a lot like ‘Stay The Fuck Away From Everyone: and What The Fuck Was I Thinking.’
They exchanged a look and then Tiny spoke up “Ran’s a lot stronger than me. And the guys will understand that you’re under his protection, also I might be off with Andre – this is the first time we’ve shifted together, while we’ve been in a relationship, so we’re going to want to take some time alone together. Listen, Ayla, We’re really not trying to scare you. This isn’t likely to happen at all, we just don’t want you inadvertently ending up in a situation where you feel uncomfortable though.”
“We’ve all warned the wolves that you’re not used to this particular lifestyle, and that you’re off limits, but sometimes when we’re in a Pack and letting our wolf instincts take over it can be a bit difficult to reconcile it with human reasoning.” Ran said, and I’m almost sure he was trying to be soothing.
“Yahuh. Sure. So listen I’m thinking that perhaps this was a shitty idea. I’m not comfortable with this. I’ve spent seven or eight years now inside my house. It’s comfortable there – there’s a couch and everything…” I started.
Tiny butted in “Nope. You’re not backing out. You need to learn what it is to be a shapeshifter, and you need to learn how to let your wolf out, and be safe with others – if not with this Pack, then maybe another one later on in life. This is pretty much the safest way you can do that. Ran, or I, will be with you the whole time.”
I hesitated a bit again, thinking about my nice, soft, warm bed.
Ran leaned in closer, until his breath was touching my ear. I shivered a bit, thinking he was going to say something heartfelt, reassuring, and meaningful. (Apparently I have learnt nothing.)
“Sure you want to back out now? I never took you for a wimp.” He whispered – presumably so that Tiny wouldn’t hear and get all annoyed at him for baiting me (she’s constantly on our tails about being nice to each other. It’s like having a young, annoying mother – play nice with the boys Ayla!)
Anyway. Ran’s needling did the intended job. I slapped him away from my ear with a hand to the chest (Which, conversationally, was as hard as… well… ok, it’s a cliche, but rock, actually.)
I then stood up and announced that I was ready to go. Tiny narrowed her eyes at Ran and I, and then said “Good. You’ll have fun.” Clearly deciding not to start nagging about respecting each other now that it was working in her favor.
***
Three hours later the WHOLE FREAKING PACK and I were chilling out in a big clearing just off one of the beaten tracks in the forest. We had all parked in the driveway and garage of the forest house (which is being built by leprechauns or something, considering the speed in which it is going up!) and trekked in.
Tiny dragged me around for a bit, because EVERYONE there came up to say hi to her, and Ran. I finally got sick of her grabbing at me like a lapdog, so I went to stand off to the side of the crush of people.
Andre – very loyally – stood with me, and made introductions as people I hadn’t met came over to greet me. Thankfully they did it one at a time, as opposed to fifty at once, like they did with Ran and Tiny.
Is it weird that I remember all of their names?? I knew twenty or so from in passing around the hotel, but there were quite a few that I hadn’t met – older wolves, and a few guys especially who I thought I knew from their scents from when they were tailing me every moment of every day.
I think It’s weird. Meeting someone once, and then just instantly remembering that his name is Jim, and he’s married to a human, and they have two kids, called Stacey (19), and Colt (25), and that Colt dates Becca, who’s the daughter of Mary, who has no mate, but who’s father is Sigmond who is now mated to Dianne (who is not Mary’s birth mother.)
It’s especially weird when you take into account the fact that I’m not all that great with human names. It must be a shifter thing – my wolf is very interested in hierarchies, and families, and power. Strangely fascinated by who holds the power in each of the family lines (It’s not always the oldest male, which I would have thought!)
Finally Ran and Tiny come over and stand just a bit in front of me, but to the side, addressing the group as a whole. He introduced me, for anyone who hadn’t already met me, and then reiterated that I was a guest of the pack, and therefore SO FREAKING OFF LIMITS to being pushed around, and bullied, and treated like an available doggy treat to fight over.
(He didn’t say anything explicit, just kinda implied it by saying a lot of stuff about being under the Alphas protection, an honored guest, and having a ‘young’ wolf – inexperienced more like, I think.)
One of the younger males sniggered a bit when Ran said ‘young wolf’, but I shut him up pretty quickly with a dirty glare and a quick flash of teeth.
Then just like that people started undressing. Right there and then in a clearing full of other people.
And that’s about my definition of ‘holy fuck get me outta here.’
***
Tiny and Andre kinda wandered off to the side, and I couldn’t figure out where the hell to look. Ran pulled his shirt off, and I swallowed, deciding that maybe the ground was a good spot.
He snorted, and nudged me with his (bare) shoulder, drawing my attention up his (bare) torso, to his face. The shit was grinning and enjoying how freaking uncomfortable I was finding the whole 50 naked people thing.
“I forgot you have that thing about naked people.” He said gleefully. (He did not.)
“Public nudity? Yes. Like most normal people I was raised to wear pants around others.” I snapped, accidentally catching sight of Andre unbuckling his pants, and jerking my eyes away – after I got a bit of an eyeful unfortunately.
Ran saw what had caught my attention (What can I say, Tiny is a very lucky lady…) and his eyes narrowed. He nudged me towards a small break in the trees, and guided me away from the clearing a bit.
“We can shift here… Have you ever seen a change before?” He asked curiously.
I actually hadn’t. I tried once to watch it in the mirror, but when the important stuff happens it’s all a bit painful, and my natural instinct is the screw up my eyes and just concentrate on breathing to get through it.
“Watch me then.” Ran said, unbuckling his belt, and kicking off his shoes.
I thought very seriously about closing my eyes (really! I did!) but I was kinda curious. So I watched as he stepped out of his pants, and boxer briefs (ladies, you will be pleased to note that he is built like a freaking UNDERWEAR Model.)
He paused, right before he shifted, and said “just remember, don’t let it overwhelm you too much. I’m going to be right here.”
(For a moment there I thought he was talking about letting the sight of his body overwhelm me – not the Pack stuff. As for his body? It was all pretty impressive. And well maintained. I’ll just stop right there. You probably don’t want to know all the gory details. Not that it was gory. Not at all.)
Then he shifted, and it looked… I’m not going to lie, it was pretty brutal looking actually. First things to come (and last to go) are big long claws, curving out from your fingers, sharp heavy teeth, and the long mobile ears, strangely shaped nose, and wolf eyes.
Hair kinda explodes from your skin in a wave, and then everything kinda moves and shifts and stretches in a very disconcerting way, and last but not least the tail extends out from the base of your spine. (That’s always the bit that makes me feel like hurling. It’s a very uncomfortable sensation.)
Finally the wolf scrambled to his feet and shook himself off. It was fast – much faster than I think I’ve ever been able to shift before, and ran recovered way quicker than I ever do. I always need a few moments until I can move without throwing up.
The wolf looked at me and grinned, letting his tongue hang free. I know for a fact I do that too… but it’s just weird seeing someone else do such a familiar wolf like move. I crouched down curious to get a better look at him – all this time with wolves, and I’ve never seen one in wolf form – well, except for that time when I nearly died. I wasn’t really paying attention then though.
***
Ran came closer, and turned to the side, butting my arm with his forehead – a clear ‘pat me’ demand. So I did. He sat there and let me touch the pelt on his back and shoulders which was course, and thick. I stroked the soft fur on the top of his head. I even got to touch his ears and muzzle, which were both really soft. His whiskers were really soft and tickly,
It’s kinda bizarre knowing that the animal you’re touching is human like you, but acting… well way more wolfy. All the cosmetic stuff – his eyes, and hair color and stuff (he’s got brown short hair) had changed entirely leaving him looking a bit like the wolf above (the markings around his eyes are different though, and his ears are really dark.) The muscular stuff – big shoulders – seemed kinda the same. Strong. Big.
Finally he flopped down, and demanded I scratch his belly.
When he was satisfied all his belly scratching needs were our of the way he jumped up and waited for me to do my thing… Only, now that it was my turn to get naked I wasn’t so keen.
“I’m not fucking stripping for you. Turn around.”
Ran signed and sank down onto the ground , tucking his nose under a paw, which kinda half covered his eyes.
“I’m not buying it Ran. Close them, or get lost.”
The wolf grumbled a bit and then closed his eyes. He was still paying an awful lot of attention though, because his ears tracked every move I made.
When I was finally done shifting – he is definitely quicker at it than me – I lay there and panted. The first few minutes are always a bit like a bad hangover. Your tummy is rolling, and your vision keeps spinning, and everything smells way too strong, and you’re cold, but you’re hot, and all your fur feels like it’s on end.
(Ok, that last one isn’t much like a hangover.)
Ran kinda sniffed me over, and ignored my grumbling, and growling. He licked my face – ignoring my protests – and then sat down, almost on top of me, until I felt like I could move without dying. I’m sure he was trying to be helpful – in his own annoying way, but generally I think I prefer being able to get my own bearings without an annoying wet nose being shoved into my fur, and prodding at my upset stomach.
We grabbed our clothes, and dropped them in piles back in the clearing, which was now full of wolves. Most of the young ones were looking much like I felt, but the older ones were already playing tag and greeting each other quietly.
Then when we were all ready, we turned and headed out into the woods, and away from the cars and forest house.
***
The weekend was pretty good. A bit scary in parts… but good. I’m not going to tell you all about it because I’m kinda tired now, and a lot of it feels… Personal I guess. It’s nothing scandalous or exciting really it’s just that a lot of this stuff was stuff I was doing for the first time ever. It was pretty special, and scary, and has a lot of meaning for me.
There were a few things I wanted to share though. First: I’m kinda crappy at ‘wolf’ behavior. It’s like they all speak some language I don’t. I pick up the odd ‘word’ or two, and can make myself understood, but I felt like a lot of the time I was missing a lot of subtext.
The wolves didn’t stay together the whole time. Couples splintered off, and spent time together, and families did the same. A few of the young men went for a few hunts, taking down larger prey, including deer (which I ate some of…) Most of the young males and females – like the core group that stay at the hotel stuck together.
Ran taught me to stalk, and hunt. I was way clumsy at it though, and I didn’t manage to catch anything to eat. He did herd a bunny into me once, and I caught that, but accidentally/on purpose let it get free. I wasn’t really ready to kill anything – even though my wolf didn’t really mind too much.
There was a point, on the second night, where Ran was off taking care of a scuffle between Michael and Colt, and I found myself playing tag with a few of the other wolves around my age. One of the guys nipped me a bit hard, and I went after him aggressively. For a moment I wasn’t exactly in control, but he submitted, and I managed to get myself back into balance.
And there was a point where I wandered a bit far from the group, and ran into Mark – who was part of the group of hunting males. He made me a bit uncomfortable, and I found myself in a bit of a fight, when he thought I was playing the tease.
Quite frankly, despite not being particularly good at playing wolf, I am pretty good at fighting and defending myself. I kicked his butt so hard he was limping well after we changed back on Sunday and headed for the cars.
I felt a bit bad for the extent to which I’d gone to drive him off – he still hasn’t made eye-contact with me again – but Tiny has informed me that it was absolutely the right response. Some of the younger guys need to be clearly shown their place in order to know what is and isn’t acceptable.
All in all? The best time was at night When everyone was drifting off to sleep under the moon. I slept in a warm pile of wolves, beside Ran, Andre, and Tiny most of the time.
There’s something very comforting about knowing you’re surrounded by people that – surprisingly – you trust.
I say surprisingly because I’ve never really thought I’d be able to trust shifters… It’s kind of a new and interesting place to be in.
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