Jared from Chapel Hill
I have seen my fair share of those college-party nights. I have been a part of bar crawls across the country. I met Jared in the middle of both and on one of our country’s most-beloved night of debauchery and hedonism, Halloween. Oh I know you were guessing 4th of July, not this time buddy. I did not get much background on our hero, Jared, from his friends but let me start with telling you that it was Hall-o-ween. This is one of the only nights that every guy starts out hoping, thinking, wishing… whatever …having some kind of intention of ending the night in a girl’s bed. (Lesson: True, there is something sexy and exciting about the romantic side of low-cut, short-skirt, see-through costumes that every girl feels they should be a participant of… so go out! But dress in costume!! Girls do not want to take pictures with guys that are not in costume.)
The moment that I met up with Jared was probably at the same moment he had given up on disguising his true feelings. Jared was dressed in costume; he was an Olympic synchronized-swimmer with the Speedo, the goggles, the slicked back hair, and baby oil all over his body. He had so much oil that whatever or whomever he bumped into got slimed. (Lesson: In theory, you should steal this costume idea but remember that if you do make it to the bed… it will ruin sheets, clothes, and could stain the mattress. So be advised.) And after meeting him I instantly asked him where his synchronized partner was and Jared furiously explained that she had cancelled a couple hours before the night started because she was busy studying for a test. But Jared found out that she decided that after she studied for an hour she was sick of it and went out to dinner and a movie with her mom. And then Jared tells me that the last time she went out with her mom for dinner, her mom turned out to really be an ex-boyfriend that she ‘ran into’. (Lesson: Get to know her mom, maybe get her cell phone number and keep a simple friendship going with a text message every now and then. That way, you can verify things that your girlfriend may or may not be doing. But this is not meaning you do not trust your girlfriend, it is just in case you need it.)
Our hero was a mess, he was walking around the bar confessing to anyone who would talk to him about how much he was all over his girlfriend but she was clearly working the corner for tuition. He was carrying his own bottle of liquor, do not ask me how he got that in the bar, but would be the first to join in on shots offered by anyone else. (Lesson: This is a bold move; you may be hurt by your girl but stay classy. Let sober words and sober actions be bolder than drunken slurs.) His friends told me how Jared had been dating this girl that every guy wanted and a lot of guys had dated but had no luck with in comparison to our hero’s luck. Our hero had been naïve to her past because he was from out-of-state and did not ask about her past in between date number one to date number twelve. (Lesson: The past is key, but not a reason for mistrust or hesitancy. It will help you have a grasp on how she used to be, dating style, and in case there is a jealous ex-boyfriend that may try to sucker-punch you one night. So ask, it is not prying.)
By now, I had been hanging out with our hero for a good three hours and he was telling more and more people how this girl was amazing and beautiful and follow it with a chug from his bottle of liquor. Jared even told a couple of us how he would make her favorite kind of muffins and leave them on her apartment door-step in the morning before her first class and then on nights that she had to study all night for an exam, he would stop by with a batch of cookies. (Lesson: You better steal that idea, wrap the baked-goods and leave a little note for her. It is good for days she has an interview, test, etc.) Jared was now on the verge of collapsing from the alcohol and from heartache. It was around three in the morning when our hero let everything crash down on top of him. Literally. Jared was in the kitchen hunched over talking about his girlfriend when he fell over and started crying. We thought maybe he had broken his arm or shoulder and that was the reason for the tears but when he punched the closest kitchen drawer, we realized he was crying because of his girl.
Our hero was so oiled up that no one dared to help him up so he started stammering out his emotional turmoil between and during sobs. (Lesson: Try to avoid moments like this. No it is okay to cry, but try to avoid the moments where everyone else in the room but you will remember what happened the next day and you will not.) Jared then threw me his phone, where he was storing it I did not get a chance to see nor did I even want to ask. Jared demanded that I call his girl … and I did and after a good ten minutes explaining that her boyfriend really was crying and really was oiled up and really was laying on the kitchen floor, after all of that she agreed that she would come.
Jared is a good kid and I think the best way to describe him is as a romantic. His friends had talked about how this was only his second girlfriend and the last one was a good two-year relationship. And when the girlfriend finally showed up to the scene of the crying, Jared said he blacked out and does not recall the rest of this… good thing I was there. We all watched him pour out his heart, confessing it all and it all led to the finale featuring the infamous words “I love you.” He was so good and so believable in his drunkenly-oiled role that two girls listening were actually crying because of how romantic he was being. His girlfriend felt bad and walked over and helped him up and took him back to her apartment. (Lesson: The girl probably has been so embarrassed at this point that she has to take you with her, do not put your girl in this awkward situation ever. That is a lesson.)
The next day Jared came and got his phone. He told me how she woke him up and he was completely naked, no oil, and she told him;
“I love you too Jared, I love you so much.”
Jared followed this up with a sign and a smile. He told us that it was nice to hear but he realized that even though she said it back, her response was from him acting like an idiot and due to pressure not due to anything in their relationship. Plus, Jared said that she admitted that she had went out her a different ex-boyfriend that night but would stop doing it because she realized after he said I love you that even though it was innocent it still was wrong.
One month later, she broke up with our hero … and our hero did not cry.
(Lesson: Having good intentions may lead the way for absurd actions but do not bring her into an awkward situation or melt-down. Man up. Sober words and sober actions are far more meaningful and you will at least remember them the next day.)
No comments:
Post a Comment